


Always Blame It on the Alcohol

by MissAliceHeartless



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol, M/M, Marauder's Era, Mindless sex, PWP, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-05
Updated: 2013-02-05
Packaged: 2017-11-28 07:21:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissAliceHeartless/pseuds/MissAliceHeartless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus always tries to stop his best friends from doing very stupid things, but sometimes it's simply unreasonable to expect him to be able to do anything about it. Some things he would rather stay out of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Blame It on the Alcohol

**Author's Note:**

> This story lacks both a plot and a point. It was just an excuse to write some James/Sirius. I should also warn you about awful drunken humour...

James was beyond wasted. And Remus felt like he was being a bad friend for letting him go over to Lily in his current state. But it wasn't as if he'd really had any chance at stopping him – especially not when Sirius was egging him on. And it wasn't as if Remus was completely sober himself, and since James always justified his actions by blaming them on the alcohol when he'd had some, Remus had the right to do too. 

He was usually quite careful around alcohol, at least compared to his two best friends, but Sirius had made him drink more than he had planned, saying he needed to relax and stop worrying about Professor McGonagall coming to break up their party, robbing Gryffindor of all their points and put them all in detention for bringing alcohol into the school. That was the good thing about hosting the party in the Gryffindor common room, no Gryffindor would go blabbering to the teachers when the consequence would be their house quickly falling down to zero points. The marauders were prepared for that to happen none the less, the others making Remus in charge of the invisibility cloak so that he could throw it over them and escape to their dorm and quickly pretend to be asleep. That way they couldn't possibly be landed with detention. 

“This is gonna' be hilarious,” 

Sirius was leaning back on the sofa he and Remus shared, with his shirt completely unbuttoned and shoes lost hours ago he looked like a right reveler waving his can of mead about in a way that made Remus wonder how he had anything left in it. He was gesturing to where James was throwing an arm around Lily, leaning heavily on her (Remus wouldn't be surprised if that was the only way he was able to keep himself on his feet) and getting all up in her personal bubble. Lily Evans looked more disgusted than impressed by his self-proclaimed sex appeal, and her patience skipped to a sudden stop when a little too brave hand felt it had the right to check if her heart was beating properly. 

When James returned to the two amused marauders on the sofa his sex appeal was accompanied with a black eye. 

“Fucking bitch,” he growled between hiccups as he dumped down next to Sirius. “Why can't she admit that she wants me?” Remus was better at hiding his amusement than Sirius, who was laughing out loud. “I mean, everybody wants me. Shut up, Sirius! Everybody wants me!”

“Sure, sure, Prongs, relax,” Sirius was still clearly entertained.

“It kinda' hurts, you know!” James whined. “And I don't mean the physical pain,”

His sentences were barely understandable, but somehow both the marauders got the meaning behind his slurred words and Sirius laughed even louder. 

“Fuck you, Siri!” 

“I'm sure you want to, Jamie, but it might just be because you're feeling so rejected right now,” 

Remus snorted, but James' drunken mind couldn't make any sense of the Black's words so he just stared at him in confusion. After a while of staring he finally gave up and with a loud and miserable groan he let his head fall down on Sirius' shoulder. 

“I was really hoping to score tonight,” he mumbled.

“You do every night,” Remus shoot in. “And if you hadn't started groping her and stopped being a perverted arsehole in general you might actually have,”

“Well, I like being a perverted arsehole,” James replied, suggestively speaking into Sirius' ear in a low voice, and Remus just shook his head in defeat, starting to look around the room for Peter or someone else he could talk to. When his two friends started their pretend flirting they usually kept at it for a while, both to stubborn to let the other “win”, and even if James hadn't scored with Lily both he and Sirius would most likely end up in bed with some (less or more) innocent girl before the end of the night. He might as well find someone else to hang out with sooner than later. Maybe he should go check on Lily.

“Mr. Padfoot would like to inform Mr. Prongs that even though he knows the latter fancies him, he is more than prepared to add another black eye to the work of Miss Evans,” 

“Well, Mr. Prongs... Mr. Prongs..,”

“Is dead drunk,” Remus finished for him, making Sirius laugh and James grin.

“That he is,” James agreed. “And that he thinks Mr. Padfoot should be too, so it will be easier for him to cast his denial to the side and let Mr. Prongs shag him,” 

“Oh, please!” Remus exclaimed in disgust. “Would you stop it?” 

“Mr. Moony is welcome to drink more too,” James turned his gaze to Remus, winking and licking his lips.

“Oh, shut it!” he threw a pillow at the chaser and was a bit smug when he saw it hit his face so perfectly. 

“Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs would shag anything that moves right now,” Sirius said, smirking while James got rid of the fluffy object covering his face.

“Mr. Prongs is a bit sad to inform that Mr. Padfoot is right, though anything is taking it a bit too far. Anything pretty is more like it,” 

“Then Mr. Padfoot is delighted that he is considered pretty,” 

“Oh, he isn't just pretty,” As James lent in to tell Sirius exactly what Mr. Padfoot was considered Remus groaned again before leaving them alone. If he hadn't known any better he would think it was only a matter of seconds before they were ripping each other's clothes off, and if Sirius had a few more drinks too he wouldn't put it passed them to actually take it further than the flirting. 

When he returned to them after hanging out with Lily and her friends for about half an hour, planning to check if any of them needed any help finding their beds (if they hadn't found someone else’s) since the party was drawing to an end, James was on his back on the sofa, Sirius laying fully on top of him, faces only inches apart. They were definitely hearing about this tomorrow judging by the people staring at them, girls giggling and boys rolling their eyes . They either didn't notice or didn't care. 

“The party's ending,” Remus declared, hovering over them. It was true. The common room was getting emptier for each minute passing. The other marauders turned their heads to look at him, but none of them gave any sign of trying to get up.

“So?” Remus could tell that Sirius had reached James' level of drunkenness by his slurred voice and unfocused eyes. 

“So we should go to bed,”

“You hear that, Jamie? Remus wants to go to bed with us,” 

Remus didn't even find it remotely funny and groaned in annoyance at their “ooo”-ing. He was trying to be a good friend and save their drunk asses from the curious eyes watching them since they most likely wouldn't even remember this tomorrow, and this was what he got. Maybe he should have had a few more drinks, so that he could see the humour in this too. 

“But we can sleep here, right Pads?” James made Sirius turn to look at him. “Together?” Smirks formed on both of their faces.

“Sure, I'll sleep with you,” 

“All right, everybody! Time for bed!” It was Lily, suddenly deciding to use her prefect authority after ignoring she was one for the whole night. Remus didn't blame her for that though. 

Soon the common room were empty except for the three marauders. 

“You better not blame me for leaving you here tomorrow then,“ Remus said, getting ready to leave his friends behind. He didn't even know if they heard him. They were too busy staring at each other. And then their lips were touching. And their tongues too. 

All right, he could sort of see the humour in this. Tomorrow it would be only him seeing the humour. And he would enjoy it. Sirius and James most likely wouldn't.

Before he could leave he heard someone coming down the stairs. Thinking quickly he covered James and Sirius with the invisibility cloak. Just as he was straightening up, Lily entered the room.

“Oh, you got them to leave?” she asked, smiling.

“Uh, yeah,” he answered nervously, but Lily didn't seem to detect anything fishy. She was usually pretty observant, but he guessed she had had her fair share of drinks too.

“Great! We'll better clean up then,” 

“Er, Lily, you know what, just go to bed, I can handle it, it'll only take a moment,” He couldn't keep himself from sending nervous glances to the spot he knew James and Sirius were concealed. 

“Aw, you're adorable Remus, but that's all right, it'll take even less time if we both do it,”

“No!” she was a bit taken aback by his loud voice, but he had definitely heard the sounds of wet lips meeting and was desperate to not let her hear it too. “I mean, I insist, Lily, I really do!”

Her eyes narrowed then. The silence was definitely revealing that they weren't the only people in the room. Damn the fact that he didn't have time to cast a silencing charm, and damn those drunk idiots. Why was he even doing this for them?

“What's going on?” The suspicion was clear in her voice now. 

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, stop acting like an idiot!” She had a point. It really wasn't any use, especially not when a loud moan came from the sofa. Lily quickly turned to it, looking thoroughly confused she walked around it to check if anyone was hiding behind it. 

“What the heck is this, Remus?” she asked when she couldn't find anything and another moan sounded. “Was that … James?”

How she could possibly recognize his voice like that Remus had no idea and he really didn't feel like getting to know it either. The important thing was that this was bad. 

“It can't possibly be, I just saw him leave,” Remus said quickly, wondering how the hell he was supposed to explain the continuing noises from the sofa.

“It so is! He's in this room snogging someone! Tell me what charm he's using, I'm gonna' make him clean up here instead!” she sounded quite furious really. It was a bit frightening. 

“No, let's just leave, Lily. I don't know where he is, but I don't see the point in breaking them up. We can clean it tomorrow,” She was about to refuse, he could tell. “Or make him do it tomorrow,” 

She didn't say anything and he was sure she was about to agree when James, predictably, ruined it all.

“Oh, fuck! Sirius!” 

All right, he was officially done helping them. For all time. 

Lily was gaping. 

“Eh, good night then,” Remus mumbled awkwardly before rushing towards the stairs to the boys' dorm. 

“Wait!” Remus cursed himself for stopping and turning. “Is that really... them?” 

“Ah, yeah,” There was no reason pretending any more. “They're quite wasted, Lily. I don't think they'll even remember this tomorrow,” She stared.

“I see. This isn't something they do on a regular basis then?”

“What? No! No, they've never done it before. As far as I know,” The situation was becoming more than a little awkward, so Remus was glad when Lily said she was going to bed, swearing that both Sirius and James would clean the common room tomorrow. 

“And be sure to take a picture of them. That'll be great blackmail. Good night!” And with that she was gone, leaving Remus relieved that she didn't ask him to reveal their position since it wouldn't be a good thing for her to know about the invisibility cloak. 

He strode over to the sofa to drag said object off of his snogging best friends. He sort of regretted it once he saw that Sirius' hand had found it's way into James' pants.

“Oh God!” He didn't try to hide his disgust. “Lily just found out about you guys snogging, she probably thinks you're gay now James, and if you even try to blame me we're not friends any more. Now get your asses to the dorm unless you want more people to think so!” 

At least they both pulled slightly apart to look at him, but all James said was: “Don't you dare remove your hand,”, voice strained, and it made Remus want to hit him. He might have if it weren't for Sirius ignoring the other's plea/warning and sitting up.

“Relax, Moony,” he said, and his smirk was not helping Remus get rid of his anger. “It'll be forgotten after the next party when someone else ends up randomly snogging. Then they'll be the next big gossip,” Remus wasn't so sure he was right, and James was groaning at the lack of Sirius' attention. “And you relax too, Prongsy, I'll continue in a minute, when we're in my bed,”

Sirius was standing up, swaying as he pulled a protesting James to his feet as well. Remus started his way to the dorms ahead of them, still quite irritated. He could hear them giggling and occasionally kissing all the way up the stairs. He stopped in front of the door to wait for them.

“Are you actually going to... have sex?” he asked them, trying not to sound as embarrassed as he was. Sirius and James looked at each other, none of them daring to answer. “I'm just saying it will be really awkward for you tomorrow, so you might want to think twice about it,” He started to open the door. “If you do, at least use a silencing charm,” 

Remus entered their dorm and started to change into his pajamas while Sirius and James lingered by the door, not sure what to do.

“I'm still hard,” James' breath ghosted over Sirius' ear and neck and he shivered. Smirking, he groped the other through his trousers, hard, and then followed Remus into the room. The sound of James gasping affected his body more than he was going to admit. He let himself fall down on his bed, keeping his body halfway up with his hands and elbows, waiting to see if James was following him. He was. 

James clumsily stumbled into the room and went straight (or as straight as he was capable of) over to Sirius to straddle him. Sirius could feel his last statement was no lie. Their tongues found each other again, slashing desperately at each other. James moaned in pleasure.

“Silencing charm!” 

“Put up your own!” Sirius only paused in his actions long enough to give that short retort. 

James was bouncing in his lap, rubbing his erection against Sirius' clothed stomach. A tent was growing in his own trousers too and he groaned into James' mouth as the body above him continued to shift the pressure on his groin. He lost the ability to hold himself up as his best friend pushed against him. James followed him when Sirius collapsed on his back.

"Get me off," James growled between kisses. His voice was as desperate as his grinding. Sirius tried to laugh, but it was hard to make any noise that didn't sound like a moan when all he could properly focus on was James' thigh against his hard member. 

"Am I sensing a little frustration, Prongs?" He was a little proud that he managed to put the proper amount of mockery to his tone while he was dealing with sensations so overwhelming he couldn't keep his eyes open. 

"Shut it," James emphasized his irritation by biting lightly at Sirius' lower lip before pulling away from his mouth. Sirius dragged desperate breaths in through his nose. "Or I might just have you get me off without returning the favour. Don't think you will fancy that,"

Sirius wouldn't fancy that. In fact he was too turned on to even manage another clever reply. Instead he grabbed James' shoulders and pushed him over on his back so that he could do the straddling himself. It was ridiculously easy. James was undeniably willing to let him take the charge. Once he was on his back James started palming himself through his trousers, but Sirius pushed his hand aside and worked open the zipper. James was saying something, but it was impossible for even Sirius to understand his incoherent and desperate noises, and Sirius and James always understood each other. He could guess though, that it still involved the words "get me off", or at least the meaning of them.

When Sirius finally wrapped his hand around James he felt impossibly hard. Even harder than he had done earlier on the common room sofa. His own erection was throbbing painfully against the confining layers of cloth, but he still managed to grin when he heard the animal-like sound that escaped James. It was clear he wasn't bothering to hold anything back. Sirius stroked him forcefully. 

"Shit! God, Siri-aah-us, you're- Unnnff-fuuuuck!" 

Sirius had never known how vocal James was in bed. They had never been shy to talk to each other about their many experiences, but that detail had never been spoken of. 

"Ah! You're so-oh amazing! Shit! I can't- Sirius! Siri!" 

As he moaned out the name he reached a hand out to grab Sirius' shirt and Sirius obeyed when he understood James was trying to pull him closer. He met James' lips eagerly. The angle of his hand was a little awkward when he laid down over the other's body, but he was grateful to be able to push the front of his trousers towards James' erection and get some friction. 

He tried to open his trousers with his free hand, but it was extremely difficult, pressed flush against James and with the entire bed spinning as it was. 

"James," he groaned trying to convey how much he needed the returning of the favour as James had promised. James got it. He pushed at Sirius until they were lying on their sides facing each other and then solved the trouser problem easily. When a hand enveloped him Sirius thought for a second he was going to come then and there. The feeling was so blissfully intense he forgot to continue to work James, but it didn't last long before James had him remember. 

"Fuck, Sirius! Aaah!" James kept his vocal chords busy and Sirius panted and moaned along with him, not really caring much about anything but the feel of James' hand. "So fucking good," Except he caught every word James said. "You're so- Fuck, I love you,"

Sirius might have stopped everything there if he hadn't been so close and felt so utterly wonderful. Instead he laughed through his panting and shoved his tongue into James' mouth. James responded eagerly, continuing to moan around it, but no longer able to form words. 

He pulled away again right before he came and Sirius watched his face as he felt the sticky substance soak his hand. James had his eyes closed and squeezed Sirius almost painfully as he groaned through his climax. Sirius stroked him through it. 

When it was over James pushed Sirius onto his back, being surprisingly strong considering he had just had a very powerful orgasm (judging by the duration and the amount of liquid now covering the bed). The angle allowed him to start stroking faster and firmer. His tongue went to Sirius' neck and Sirius knew he wouldn't last much longer as he grabbed tightly at James, both hands on his back. 

He continued to hold on through his orgasm, thinking he might pass out from the intensity of it. James slowed his stroking and his sucking turned to light kisses. 

Sirius didn't pass out, but he felt exhausted and out of breath when James had pumped the last of it out of him. He couldn't do anything but lie under his best friend and soak in the bliss that was still there. A small sound of protest escaped him when James rolled off of him.

James muttered a few cleaning spells and both of them kicked of their trousers and pulled their boxers properly on. The shirts went too. Had they had the mind for it they would probably have been gone a long time sooner. 

"You've got a filthy mouth," Sirius told James as they laid shoulder by shoulder on the mattress. 

"Shut it," James said again, but Sirius could hear the laughter behind it. 

"I believe the words you are looking for are "Thank you". I got you off," 

"I got /you/ off," 

Sirius started laughing loudly and James joined him. And that was the last of their energy. Sleep took them before they could say anything more or even get under the covers.


End file.
